It's been a while since my last post; roaming an empty campus for a weekend with a good friend and then heading to Panama City Beach for a great time with even more good friends are to blame. Seriously, between having to use a left-behind microwave to cook instant food for meals and late-night cigar discussions on theology, the past week or so of my life has been absolutely enriching. But now it's time to come back to the real world...
After 17 hours of being on the road in two days, I'm finally back home in Northern Virginia and ready to hit the ground running. Tomorrow I'm heading into Washington for an interview with Dr. Brian Becker, who just might hopefully find that I'm useful enough to keep around for the rest of the summer. I don't really know what economics looks like in the professional world, so getting the chance to work for an Economics Firm will be eye-opening in a lot of ways. I'd really like to end up enjoying post-graduation economics....seeing as it's one of my majors and everything. The interview's at 2:30 which means I'll have plenty of time to be productive before then; I'm looking forward to meeting some old friends, perhaps finally exercising again, and most importantly, seeking God's wisdom in everything.
I'm almost afraid to fall asleep tonight because of how much of my plan for this summer is going to start tomorrow morning when I wake up. In the morning I'll be waking up not with a pursuit of responsibility, or health, or even discipline on its own; I want to live an experience of grace that pulls discipline into my life, letting Christ be the one to set out my reasons for doing things. But what does that look like? Waking-up early and going for runs is great and everything but it's useless without a higher reason. If I'm going to get anything out of forcing responsibility on myself this summer, it needs to be with a desire to actively realize God's grace binding everything I do. I wonder what just a day would be like if we spent every second of it with an awareness of who we are in relation to who God is, and everything that follows. Jonathan Edwards once said "The love of God, in the most eminent saints in this world, is truly very little in comparison of what it ought to be." The first time I read that I felt comfort, conviction, encouragement, and a whole lot of other things at once. It's great to know that I'm not the only one struggling to really, truly, intentionally love God in everything I do, but it's also a trenchant observation on the state of human affairs in our relation to a God who is Love. It's also encouraging to know there's room for improvement in all of this; I think I need to look after all of these things to get anywhere that really matters this summer. There will definitely be trials to encounter, which means there will be more than a few errors as well... but that's where growing happens, and growth is something that everyone can find joy in...
See you tomorrow!
Brian
Monday, May 17, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The aftermath...
Caffeine is a wonderful creation. Six shots of espresso later, I am done with finals, have said good bye to two of my closest friends, and have seen the harsh reality of the aftermath of the flooding this weekend. Rather than crash, I am blogging and appreciating how ironically beautiful the weather is today. After putting down my pencil and finishing my last final today, I went for another delicious, double-shot Mocha at Fido and headed out with Andy Blasius of YoungLife to help clear out a house in Belle View. What a shock it was to see how hard some places have been hit; we saw collapsed roads and sidewalks, previously submerged cars, and the worst part, absolutely emptied houses. A lot of houses were completely flooded and have been totally stripped from six feet up and down to the floor. Most families seem to be in shock still and just haven't had the time to stop and realize how much has just been shattered for them. It definitely gives you eyes to go out and see what's happened. It's also hard to try to find what good is coming out of this...
We have a God in control of the universe, who commands floods, so what is the good in all of this? How do you find something redeemable in the situation of a retired couple with no flood insurance having to deal with a completely destroyed home? Andy and I were talking about it in the car ride back to campus and I guess there have been some pretty remarkable things that have happened. People have really come together to reach out to the rest of Nashville this weekend and that's really cool to see happen. Out of all this loss there are some lights beginning to shine and perhaps people are starting to cling to a God that they might have forgotten? Who knows...I really can't identify with the families who have suffered this weekend and I won't pretend to. In my own life's uncertainties, though, I've realized through getting a chance to see first-hand the effects of this storm, that it's important to always seek out God in everything. We may not always feel Him, or see Him, but discernment is crucial... I wonder what I'm supposed to discern out of my summer this break.
Brian
We have a God in control of the universe, who commands floods, so what is the good in all of this? How do you find something redeemable in the situation of a retired couple with no flood insurance having to deal with a completely destroyed home? Andy and I were talking about it in the car ride back to campus and I guess there have been some pretty remarkable things that have happened. People have really come together to reach out to the rest of Nashville this weekend and that's really cool to see happen. Out of all this loss there are some lights beginning to shine and perhaps people are starting to cling to a God that they might have forgotten? Who knows...I really can't identify with the families who have suffered this weekend and I won't pretend to. In my own life's uncertainties, though, I've realized through getting a chance to see first-hand the effects of this storm, that it's important to always seek out God in everything. We may not always feel Him, or see Him, but discernment is crucial... I wonder what I'm supposed to discern out of my summer this break.
Brian
Monday, May 3, 2010
A Fido Morning and Redeeming Love
Some places just breed creativity and thoughtfulness better than others. Fido is definitely one of them. Sure, I woke up an hour later than I had wanted to and probably need to study accordingly to make up for lost time (discipline...), but blogging here just seems so right...
Today is a beautiful day-after-flooding-storms sort of day***. A high of 81 degrees and sunshine everywhere, but today is also a day for work...I have to internalize more Econ than I currently know and then I have to get started on Math for Wednesday. In hindsight, taking two math courses was an awful idea and I'll be sure not to do that again any time soon. It'll be awesome to be able to focus myself and my energies in places other than classwork this summer. I can not wait for the first day I wake up at home and head out into Vienna to do some well-needed re-familiarization with my roots. I've come to accept the fact that Northern Virginia and I will be on pretty strange terms this summer; there is no denying that the South has left its mark on me. I'm wondering what sort of things will strike me as odd that I used to find completely normal in the complex world of 703 culture. It will definitely be hard not to judge the ignorance that comes with growing up in the Northern Virginia bubble and that's something I'll definitely have to work with.
On my search for discipline...
I will betroth you to Me forever;
Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice,
In lovingkindness and in compassion,
And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness.
Then you will know the LORD.
The book of Hosea paints a beautiful portrait of who we are and who God is in our relationship. We can only truly understand that God's love for us is astoundingly redeeming if we understand the extent to which we need to be redeemed, time and time again. We are always, like the nation of Israel, chasing after and attributing our blessings to the most illogical, unreasonable things. We try to ignore the fact that we are the property of a truly Awesome God and this allows us to think that we are our own and therefore we have no need to heed Him. Just like Hosea's wives we find ourselves in the most destitute of circumstances and when we are stripped of everything and filed with shame, God says something like this to us. That he will betroth us to Him forever, in His righteousness and in His justice, in His lovingkindness in His compassion, and in His faithfulness. It's amazing because we an do nothing nor can we bring anything to this relationship that He pursues with us. But in His redeeming love, he brings us all of these, because from us, they could mean nothing...
I think that for me to really feel a need for and a reason to stick to discipline in my life, I need to be "caught-up" in this truth. When I'm stuck on God's love, how can I even question God's sovereignty in my life? How can I not prioritize my life and live accordingly? I understand that we're fallible but surely the road starts there. It's time for me to passionately fall in love with True Love again.
From Fido,
Brian
***It's definitely hard to remember the reality of the storm that hit Nashville this weekend. People's lives were lost and currently the homeless population of the city is... homeless. Any possessions they had, everything that was by the river at tent city, is probably destroyed. It's hard to think about leaving Nashville so soon when there's so much work to be done, but it's also important to know you can't be a part of all of God's plans. Sometimes all you can do is pray, and trust that God will not leave His people. Who knows what can be done from home, anyways.
Today is a beautiful day-after-flooding-storms sort of day***. A high of 81 degrees and sunshine everywhere, but today is also a day for work...I have to internalize more Econ than I currently know and then I have to get started on Math for Wednesday. In hindsight, taking two math courses was an awful idea and I'll be sure not to do that again any time soon. It'll be awesome to be able to focus myself and my energies in places other than classwork this summer. I can not wait for the first day I wake up at home and head out into Vienna to do some well-needed re-familiarization with my roots. I've come to accept the fact that Northern Virginia and I will be on pretty strange terms this summer; there is no denying that the South has left its mark on me. I'm wondering what sort of things will strike me as odd that I used to find completely normal in the complex world of 703 culture. It will definitely be hard not to judge the ignorance that comes with growing up in the Northern Virginia bubble and that's something I'll definitely have to work with.
On my search for discipline...
I will betroth you to Me forever;
Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice,
In lovingkindness and in compassion,
And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness.
Then you will know the LORD.
The book of Hosea paints a beautiful portrait of who we are and who God is in our relationship. We can only truly understand that God's love for us is astoundingly redeeming if we understand the extent to which we need to be redeemed, time and time again. We are always, like the nation of Israel, chasing after and attributing our blessings to the most illogical, unreasonable things. We try to ignore the fact that we are the property of a truly Awesome God and this allows us to think that we are our own and therefore we have no need to heed Him. Just like Hosea's wives we find ourselves in the most destitute of circumstances and when we are stripped of everything and filed with shame, God says something like this to us. That he will betroth us to Him forever, in His righteousness and in His justice, in His lovingkindness in His compassion, and in His faithfulness. It's amazing because we an do nothing nor can we bring anything to this relationship that He pursues with us. But in His redeeming love, he brings us all of these, because from us, they could mean nothing...
I think that for me to really feel a need for and a reason to stick to discipline in my life, I need to be "caught-up" in this truth. When I'm stuck on God's love, how can I even question God's sovereignty in my life? How can I not prioritize my life and live accordingly? I understand that we're fallible but surely the road starts there. It's time for me to passionately fall in love with True Love again.
From Fido,
Brian
***It's definitely hard to remember the reality of the storm that hit Nashville this weekend. People's lives were lost and currently the homeless population of the city is... homeless. Any possessions they had, everything that was by the river at tent city, is probably destroyed. It's hard to think about leaving Nashville so soon when there's so much work to be done, but it's also important to know you can't be a part of all of God's plans. Sometimes all you can do is pray, and trust that God will not leave His people. Who knows what can be done from home, anyways.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Summer "Plans"
It's definitely really weird to see people packing up around campus getting ready to go home, or wherever it is they're headed. I feel like I've only just gotten started here in Nashville; there's no way I'm ready to be 1/4th done with school. This year's definitely been long and winding; a month ago I thought for sure that I'd be living in Nashville with people that I've come to love and a job that would have been so easy for me to pour into***. Now nothing's certain...all I know is I'm coming home.
It's definitely hard to honestly and truly believe that God has a plan in all of these things that seem like failures, according to my own expectations. That's the funny thing about our own expectations; we write our own realities based on expectations that we've found hope for, and when things don't match up it can get really frustrating. In some sense I feel like not working for a Non=Profit Organization and successfully living away from home this summer invalidates everything I've learned at Vanderbilt this year, but that's so not true!
The attention and time that God's put into my life this year at school has taken me so far in my relationship with Him and I've been able to grow so much just from being here and sharing life with the people I've met. A part of me really thinks that if this were to be my only year at Vanderbilt, it would have been enough. It's definitely looming in the back of my head that I might be going home for good this summer, and I try to find the good in my situation all the time. Like I said, it's definitely hard to believe enough in God's sovereign power to truly have joy in my own uncertainty.
One thing that is for certain, though, is that I have to come home this summer with at least one thing in mind: a search for discipline. Living on campus and just being at Vanderbilt in general has shown me how much I need to have discipline in my life, with God and in the way I live my day-to-day life. It's amazing how far I've gotten without any form of discipline in my life before. I guess I've just never had to realize any real struggles with life before. Doing school, having intentionality in my relationship with God, none of this involved any sort of purposed effort from me to be regular about it. It's only now that I've been here that I've realized the lack of any sort of foundation in my life in that area. I know that God's taking me home this summer to be in a place where I can safely explore discipline with Him.
That's what this blog is for. I want to update this on a regular basis and just put down my thoughts on this whole idea; what does it mean to truly be "disciplined" and how does that look in my life? Hopefully this will help me to really think through my search so I can bring real thoughts and questions up with God.
This is all about me having a constantly correct view of God, and having that take apart my own sense of entitlement and expectations. This is about realizing a thirst for discipline that comes from knowing I am not my own, but am to be poured out as an offering to an amazing God. Hopefully there will be joys, struggles, and many many pictures to be shared. I don't know what my summer "plans" are, but then again maybe that's all the more helpful in getting me to disregard my own expectations.
In awe of the rain that is currently flooding Nashville outside my window,
Brian
*** When did it become easy to pour into stuff anyways? You can be passionate about stuff but the idea of "pouring yourself out" doesn't exactly paint a picture of ease. When Christ poured himself out for our salvation, and when Paul made himself a drink offering to be poured out for God's glory, there was no ease in any of that. I want to be a little more involved, and to have to really go out of my own comfort zone, to pour myself out in the outlets of my life and the work that God has planned for me.
It's definitely hard to honestly and truly believe that God has a plan in all of these things that seem like failures, according to my own expectations. That's the funny thing about our own expectations; we write our own realities based on expectations that we've found hope for, and when things don't match up it can get really frustrating. In some sense I feel like not working for a Non=Profit Organization and successfully living away from home this summer invalidates everything I've learned at Vanderbilt this year, but that's so not true!
The attention and time that God's put into my life this year at school has taken me so far in my relationship with Him and I've been able to grow so much just from being here and sharing life with the people I've met. A part of me really thinks that if this were to be my only year at Vanderbilt, it would have been enough. It's definitely looming in the back of my head that I might be going home for good this summer, and I try to find the good in my situation all the time. Like I said, it's definitely hard to believe enough in God's sovereign power to truly have joy in my own uncertainty.
One thing that is for certain, though, is that I have to come home this summer with at least one thing in mind: a search for discipline. Living on campus and just being at Vanderbilt in general has shown me how much I need to have discipline in my life, with God and in the way I live my day-to-day life. It's amazing how far I've gotten without any form of discipline in my life before. I guess I've just never had to realize any real struggles with life before. Doing school, having intentionality in my relationship with God, none of this involved any sort of purposed effort from me to be regular about it. It's only now that I've been here that I've realized the lack of any sort of foundation in my life in that area. I know that God's taking me home this summer to be in a place where I can safely explore discipline with Him.
That's what this blog is for. I want to update this on a regular basis and just put down my thoughts on this whole idea; what does it mean to truly be "disciplined" and how does that look in my life? Hopefully this will help me to really think through my search so I can bring real thoughts and questions up with God.
This is all about me having a constantly correct view of God, and having that take apart my own sense of entitlement and expectations. This is about realizing a thirst for discipline that comes from knowing I am not my own, but am to be poured out as an offering to an amazing God. Hopefully there will be joys, struggles, and many many pictures to be shared. I don't know what my summer "plans" are, but then again maybe that's all the more helpful in getting me to disregard my own expectations.
In awe of the rain that is currently flooding Nashville outside my window,
Brian
*** When did it become easy to pour into stuff anyways? You can be passionate about stuff but the idea of "pouring yourself out" doesn't exactly paint a picture of ease. When Christ poured himself out for our salvation, and when Paul made himself a drink offering to be poured out for God's glory, there was no ease in any of that. I want to be a little more involved, and to have to really go out of my own comfort zone, to pour myself out in the outlets of my life and the work that God has planned for me.
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